An American Success Story?
I spent the weekend in (rainy) Northern California, invited to speak by the Institute for the Study of Asian American Christianity (ISAAC) on the topic “Beyond Tiger Parenting: How Missional Moms and Dads Create Truly ‘Successful’ Families.” The raindrops did not deter people from attending, thankfully, so we had a wonderful time of thinking together through the challenges of parenting in today’s culture. We especially took time to examine the success narrative that so many of us adopt without even realizing it–that the only right way to raise kids is to get a great job and live in a safe neighborhood with top-notch schools, then encourage your kids to be involved in every activity under the sun so they can get into a great college and get a lucrative job, thereby enabling the entire cycle to self-perpetuate.
But is this what “success” is really all about? Achieving “the American Dream” which is typically defined by the accumulation of the right amount of material possessions coupled with the proper level of prestige and fame?
I told a story at the ISAAC event to help illustrate what can happen when you live for the American Dream. The story is actually that of my father, who came to America in the 1960s with little more than the $100 in his pocket. He was on a student visa to study economics and ultimately earned his Ph.D. from Washington State University. Along the way, he met and married my mom, became a U.S. citizen, then received a job offer from the federal government, where he worked in the Dept. of Agriculture as a researcher until he retired after nearly 30 years of service.
Meanwhile, my mom had run a number of small businesses, and the combination of their two incomes meant that they could afford to buy a house in a middle-class neighborhood of Bethesda, Maryland (well-resourced community, excellent schools). After two decades, they had saved and earned enough to buy their dream house in Potomac, Maryland (see photo), land of lawyers, doctors, senators and former basketball stars (Patrick Ewing of Georgetown University/NY Knicks fame lived down the street). They were able to sell that dream house for double what they paid for it at the height of the housing bubble, then used that money to buy their retirement house in Orange County, CA, paid in full. They currently reside there, playing golf four times a week at their country club and living a restful life in contrast to decades of hard and even at times, backbreaking work.
I think most people would think of my parents as being an example of an American success story. The great irony is that if you ask my dad what he thinks about what he has accomplished in his life, he will tell you that he feels as though he is far from successful.
I used to never understand his perspective. I’d say, “Dad, you live in a nearly million dollar piece of property in Orange County. Especially considering where you started, how on earth can you think of yourself as not being successful?”
But now, as I think about the intersection of his assessment with his pursuit of the American Dream, I can see his reasoning better. He thinksthat he is not successful because he hasn’t made as much money as other people, or he hasn’t achieved as many accolades as other people, or done anything that others would call extraordinary. Never mind that this man is a North Korean refugee who fled the country at age 13, was separated from his mother during the chaos of that time and never saw her again, and came to this country with nothing but hopes for the future and the $100 in his pocket. In his mind, he has not done enough.
When the American Dream is your life’s driving force, you will always end up feeling unfulfilled. There will always be someone who earns more, does more, is more talented, or wins more awards and prizes. There are other stories to embrace in one’s life than the same “pursuit of happiness” that drives the lives of most Americans. On one hand, I’m grateful for the pull of that Dream, otherwise my dad would never have come to the U.S., and my life would look completely different. But on the other hand, I wish he could be free from the fallacy that there is only a certain way to think about success. In my mind, he is a success. And not because he lives in an expensive house in the O.C.
How many of us think of success as defined in culturally-driven ways? What are the ways in which you strive to live out a different “success narrative” in your family? I’d love to hear your thoughts as always!